Editor’s Note: After a tip from one Nick Shabazz, I reached out to a source online and got a copy of a recording. This recording has been transcribed for you, the reader. This article contains insider information about the knife industry and its relationships with a shadowy group known throughout the Internet Knife Community as the “Lanyard Mafia.” To protect the identity of our source and because all of this is 100% made up, we have changed the names of those involved. Because is this a mafia meeting, there’s profanity.

[inaudible][Papers rustling near microphone, typing on keyboards]

Don Luchese: I want to thank everyone for coming to this meeting today. I recognize that some of you have traveled across the world to make it and for that I want to express my gratitude. My name is Alberto Luchese and I am the head of the Colorado Family. I took over from my father in the late 80s, so I know pretty much everyone here, each of the Five Families. However, a lot of you are new, so lets go around the room and identify who we are and which family we are from. Let’s go left to right. Don Cremona, introduce yourself.

Don Cremona: Thank you my friend. I am Antonio Cremona, head of the Oregon Family. It is an honor to be here and see all of you. It has been a long time because of Covid. But hey, business is business and it is nice to be getting back to work.

Don Silvio: Thank you Don Cremona. Don Luchese, friends of ours, my name is Giovanni Silvio, I am from the old country. I represent the Italian Family.

Don Vendini: Don Silvio, please give my regards to your mother.

[Collective cheer]

When I visited you in Magiano, I was grateful for your hospitality and your mother’s recipe for gravy, you know, in case I have to cook for a lot of guys one day. My name is Castor Vendini, I represent the Japan Family.

Don Colobrase: Castor, my friend, it is good to see you after that incident last year. I am grateful you are in good health.

Don Vendini: Me too.

[Round of laughter]

Don Colobrase: I am Mario Colobrase, I represent the newest family, the China Family. I too am glad to be here in person.

Don Luchese: I called this meeting of the Five Families to talk about the agenda that has been sent to each of you, to bring up concerning trends, and to highlight some previously successful campaigns, to, you know, see if we can learn anything from the past. Does anyone else have something to add to the agenda?

[Inaudible mumbling]

Don Luchese: With nothing placed before us, let me get started. So as you all know we of the Lanyard Mafia exist for one reason and one reason only—to screw up knife and gear designs by requiring various manufacturers to include lanyard holes on every knife or piece of gear possible. Part of this comes from our desire to make sure our friends in the bead and lanyard businesses always have stuff to sell. We are grateful for friends of ours, especially The Godfather, Mark Steiner, but really it comes down to this—we wanna fuckin’ do it, so we do it.

[Roaring laughter]

Don Luchese: First up, Don Colobrase has the floor.

Don Colobrase: So as you all know the Chinese segment has really taken off. Which is good for business. More knives equals more lanyard holes. Am I right?

[General sounds of agreement]

Don Colobrase: But there is the problem—these new guys, they are figuring out ways to incorporate lanyard holes without totally fucking up a handle design. Have you fuckin’ seen this shit? Spine mounted ones, integrals, back spacer holes. What the fuck is this shit? Seriously, I am fucking concerned here. What’s worse is some of these knives, they don’t even have a lanyard hole. I mean come on, right?

[Loud shots of dismay]

Don Silvio: You fucking serious? No holes whatsoever? What kinda shit is that? That is how legs get broken.

Don Luchese: Agreed my friend.

Don Colobrase: So I come to you, friends of mine, tell me how we can fix this problem and make sure business stays good.

Don Luchese: This is a good issue, and brings me to one of my other points—prior successes. What I think you gotta do is tell these people making knives, it is an easy way to claim an additional feature and all they need to do is drill a hole in the wrong spot somewhere on the butt end of the knife after the whole thing is assembled. Look at the Spyderco Brouwer.

Don Vendini: Oh the Brouwer, it was our masterpiece, our magnum opus.

[Multiple chef’s kiss noises]

Don Colobrase: Tell me more, as you know I am new to this business, having recently come from the Flashlight UI Bratva.

Don Luchese: In the Brouwer Spyderco had a great knife with perfect ergos, but we couldn’t have that. So what I did was I told the CAD guy: “Look, we know the original didn’t have a lanyard hole, but come on, so many people love lanyards, you need one. And look, if you put it right here, it will fit AND screw up the clip placement as well.” After some persuasion, he did it and BANG. The whole knife, totally fucked up. Its just one boop from a drill press and the whole thing is done. They get another feature, we get another lanyard hole.

[Laughter]

Don Colobrase: So it is that easy?

Don Luchese: Yes, but be careful. We want to avoid another Sebenza Incident of 2018.

Identified Speaker: Mama Mia!

Don Cremona: The less said the better.

Don Colobrase: What happened?

Don Cremona: Well, my predecessor, he wasn’t loyal to the business, to the families. So he gave them a design for a lanyard hole that actually IMPROVED the knife design when they were working on the Sebenza 31. The clip sat on the handle better. There weren’t hot spots. And to top it off, the knife came with a lanyard, so no sales opportunities for our friends in the bead side of the business.

Don Colobrase: Holy fucking shit! That is a nightmare.

Don Cremona: That is why my predecessor “left the business” if you know what I mean.

Don Colobrase: Serves that mother fucker right. So crappy design, random placement on the butt end of the knife, and they get to call it a feature. That’s how to sell it?

Don Luchese: You have got it my friend. You will do well in this business.

Don Colobrase: Thank you, Don Luchese.

Don Luchese: Any other new business?

Don Vendini: Yes, I want to talk about this fucking bullshit of aftermarket clips fixing problems we created.

[Recording ends abruptly]